


Certain Dark Things

by Helen8462



Series: Out of Control [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Control Issues, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 11:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10385469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helen8462/pseuds/Helen8462
Summary: “Sometimes, if a captain is very lucky, she’ll have a first officer who makes it his mission to keep her safe.”  A story about control and what happens when Janeway realizes it's only an illusion.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The fifth season premier, "Night," is one of my favorites. I love how they showed that the unshakable Cpt. Janeway is finally emotionally vulnerable and in need of rescue. This story takes place mixed with that episode. Inspiration from the poem as quoted. (J/C, Rated T for dark themes)
> 
> Reviews inspire and are always appreciated.

_I do not love you as though you were the salt-rose, topaz_  
_Or the carnation-arrow begot in flames._

 _I love you as are loved **certain dark things** ,_  
_In secret, between shadow and soul._

 _I love you as the plant that does not flourish, and carries_  
_Hidden within itself the light of its flowers;_

 _And, thanks to your love, there lives darkly in me_  
_The quickening aroma that rose from the soil._

 _I love you . . . I don't know how or when or where._  
_I simply love you, no problem, no pride._

 _I love you thus because I love no other way,_  
_Except this way, in which I am not and you are not._

 _So close that your hand on my chest is mine,_  
_So close that your eyes close on my dreams._

_~Pablo Neruda  
_

* * *

 

**CHAPTER 1**

Running. The feeling of hard carpet moving under her feet. The corridor she had traversed more times than she could recall had never seemed so long. Finally, she reached her destination and in her bones she knew what she would find. The doors opened and an eerily quiet sickbay lay before her.

She paused only a moment, closing her eyes and offering a brief, silent prayer to whatever gods Chakotay believed in. Then she took a deep breath and entered.

The Doctor was standing over a biobed. Though she couldn't see his face, she knew who he was talking to. A moment later, he offered a sympathetic smile to the patient and then walked briskly to meet her.

She wanted to ask. But in her soul she already knew and the words simply wouldn't come. "I'm sorry Captain," she heard him say. Ears ringing, buzzing. Her knees threatened to fail her. "Lieutenant Paris and I operated for four hours. I couldn't stop the neuro-synaptic failure."

"What…does that mean?" She felt herself choke on the words.

"There's nothing more I can do for him," the Doctor replied solemnly. "He's dying."

The finality of his words hit her like a sucker punch to the gut and she tasted hot acid as it rose in her throat. "What do you mean there's nothing more you can do? He's still alive right? You…there must be -"

"Captain." The Doctor took her by the shoulders with both hands and faced her squarely. "There simply isn't. I can walk you through the details later, but right now he's asked for you. And he's running out of time."

She stared at him, wide-eyed. Her feet seemingly glued to the floor. She couldn't be sure when the last time was she took an actual breath.

The Doctor put a hypospray in her hand. "This is for pain, if he asks."

She looked at it as if it were some kind of foreign object. "How long?" she managed.

"Minutes. Maybe ten. Maybe less. I'll be in my office, with Mr. Paris, if you need either of us."

She nodded and sent a glance in the direction of the small, glass enclosed room. She could see Tom. He was sitting, elbows on his knees looking at the floor. His hands were in his hair.

She steeled herself for the sight and then walked to the bedside. His usually warm features were pale and he looked so very tired. She forced a smile and took his hand, breaking his concentration from the ceiling. He looked peaceful, but she could tell he was fighting to stay awake.

"I just spoke to the Doctor. He says you'll be up and about in no time," she said trying desperately to mask the fear invading her voice.

Chakotay took a tense breath as if testing the air. "You're a good Captain, Kathryn." He exhaled, less labored this time. "But you're a terrible liar."

A genuine smile broke through her aching heart. She squeezed his hand and lowered her eyes to his chest. To look upon his face was simply too much. "I never could hide anything from you," she admitted.

After a moment she summoned the strength to speak again. Though she was confident the Doctor would have seen to his comfort, she had to hear from him. "Are you in pain?"

"No," he breathed.

She nodded and felt thick air leave her lungs. "Good."

She looked down at their now intertwined fingers, relishing their warmth for a long pause. "I'm….I'm sorry," she said. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

Chakotay smiled weakly and turned his head more toward her. "Kathryn Janeway at a loss for words. Now I've seen it all."

The silence was deafening and so, she said the first thing that came to mind. "Are you scared?"

Chakotay thought for a moment. "No."

She nodded. She didn't really expect him to be. He was one of the strongest men she had ever know. And his faith, she knew he had his faith. Oh, how in that moment she wished she had his faith. "I am."

He looked at her questioningly and she could feel her walls coming down. What was the point of keeping them up any more? He was dying. Soon he wouldn't be there to judge her, or to comfort her. None of it would matter.

"All these years. All these trials. The things we've been through together." She bent her head low. "I'm scared to do this without you. I don't know if I can." Her defenses lie in ruins all around.

He shook his head slowly. "Of course you can Kathryn. You always could. You will."

Kathryn pondered his confidence. She had no doubt he would be encouraging to his last word. _He thinks I'm talking about getting the crew home._ She thought. _I don't even know if I can even stand without you._

"I'm not sure I want to," she whispered.

"Ok Kathryn…" Chakotay sighed.

It wasn't her intent to hurt him further. She didn't want to put this on him, not in his final moments. She wanted to lighten his burden as he had once sworn to do for her. But she had no other way to convey just what he meant to her. He lifted a feeble hand to stroke her face but she had to help him make it all the way to her cheek.

Chakotay let out an unexpected gasp for air and stifled a moan. His hand tightened around hers with pained tension. Her attention raged to help him. "Are you…Do you need...?" She asked, reaching for the hypospray.

"No. No." He sighed and began breathing regularly again. His grip looser now. "You're just blurry." She hoped that he wasn't masking agony for her benefit, trying to be strong now seemed so pointless. More than anything, in this moment, she didn't want him to suffer.

She found she could no longer bite back tears. As one, then another and another rolled down her cheeks. "I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere," she reassured and lifted his hand once again to her face. She felt his fingertips flex to caress her soft skin. She was sure he also must have felt the tears as they fell freely now.

Unexpectedly, he spoke again. "I wonder what the monkey is doing."

She sniffled and retrained her attention. "The monkey?" she repeated, certain that neural failure was close at hand and he was starting to hallucinate.

"On New Earth."

She broke a smile, and hoped he felt it on her face. "I'd almost forgotten about him," she paused. "He's probably taking a bath."

His upturned lips formed small dimples. His eyes, though still looking toward her, went through her somehow and she knew he could no longer see.

"Do you ever think about what it would have been like? If Voyager hadn't come back for us?" She asked.

"Sometimes," Chakotay breathed. "You?"

"Yes," she said. "I think it would have been….good. We would have been good." What she didn't say was that she would have given just about anything to be back there, with him. In that place where they could have had such happiness.

Chakotay nodded.

There was one last wall between them and as it crumbled the weight was palpable. "Oh Chakotay. What a fool I've been," she admitted. "I thought we had all the time in the world… No matter what happened, I thought we had time. But you knew, didn't you? You knew this would end too soon."

Chakotay nodded again, just once, weakly. She could feel his hand slipping from hers down the side of her face.

"I love you, you know that." She prayed the words didn't come too late. She knew he could hear, but could he still understand what she was finally confessing. Did he know how much regret she had? That these would be the first time she said the words and the last thing he would hear.

"I know," he mouthed, though she could no longer perceive his voice.

She watched as his eyes fluttered shut, felt as his hand gently slipped from her grasp. His chest still rose with shallow, but serene, breath. Adrenaline shot through her. She looked up, searching for the Doctor but he was already coming to them.

Softly, the Doctor confirmed. "He's in a coma, it won't be long now. If you'd like I can…."

"I'm not leaving," she interrupted, more forcefully than she expected. _How dare he think that I'd leave? Doesn't he know? Doesn't everyone know?_ She thought with anger.

"Of course," the Doctor replied, then he removed himself from her presence once again.

She crossed Chakotay's arm over his chest, their fingers still entwined. She gently moved her hair with her other hand and laid her ear upon him, eyes toward his face. She listened to his breathing and the steady beating in his ribs as it continued for what seemed, to her, a long time. Peacefully, both slowed until she found she was waiting for another breath, another heartbeat that would never come. His shirt was soaked in her tears, the salty flavor overloaded her senses.

After a time she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder then heard Tom's soft voice, "He's gone, Captain."

She swallowed hard and untangled herself from her love then smoothed a tender palm over his forehead.  Her fingers traced the lines of his tattoo, committing it to memory, willing it to never leave her mind.  The tears from her eyes were wiped on her sleeve and then she stood to face the Lieutenant as he asked quietly, "Is there anything I can do, ma'am?"

She shook her head. "No. No. Chakotay's people, they bury their dead before sunrise the next day." She wasn't sure where those words had come from, did she even know his wishes? Her head started to spin a bit. "It's already very late. I have things I need to take care of."

In a fog, she found her feet carrying her across the bay to the doors. With each step she disassociated herself from the reality of what had just transpired. With each step, the bright lights turned a strange shade of grey. The doors swished open and she stepped out into a future that she never wanted to imagine. A future without him.

And then, she was falling. Black abyss. Falling. Nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

A surge of adrenaline hurled Kathryn Janeway upright in her bed. She was panting, gasping for breath; caught in that terrible place between hallucination and an uncertain reality. Her only instinct was to secure that reality as quickly as she could. In past nights she had been lucid enough to ask the computer to confirm his presence, but tonight she slammed her hand on the nightstand where her com-badge resided.

"Chakotay," she barked.

In the few moments it took for the Commander to fully come awake and answer her call, the fog of nightmare began to lift. A sickening feeling fell in her gut when Janeway realized what she had just done. Embarrassed, she pleaded to her empty bedroom that he hadn't heard her.

_Chakotay here._

Unsure of what to say, and still cognizant of her quickened breath, she said nothing at all.

_Captain?_

Still, Janeway remained silent. She wiped her eyes and found them moist from lingering tears.

_"Kathryn? Are you alright?"_

"Yes. Commander. I'm sorry." She cleared her throat. "I shouldn't have woken you, it was a mistake. I'll see you in the morning," she replied in the calmest possible voice she could summon. "Janeway out."

The captain took a deep breath and swung her legs over the side of the bed. _Maybe he'll think that was a dream,_ she hoped. She'd find an excuse to explain it away by the time he arrived with the morning status report. She grabbed her robe from the hook on the wall and threw it around her, grateful for the relief from the chill that still pressed into her bones.

Gingerly she stepped into the 'fresher and started to splash water on her face. 0330 hours. _Just as good a time as any to be up for the day_ , she thought. Though, since they had been traveling through "the void," no hour seemed like day anymore. _Two months of darkness down, two years to go._ _How much more of this can I really take?_ Distracted, she didn't hear the door chime through the running water. In hindsight, she assumed he had likely rung at least twice before availing himself of command-override and coming in search of her.

"Kathryn?" He asked. She could hear the hesitation mixed with concern in his voice. She sighed. _Of course he'd come looking for me._

"I'm in here." She replied as she heard him step closer to the bedroom suite. "I'll be out." She hoped that once he saw she was okay he would leave quickly.

She found him standing near her dining table, a worried expression graced his obviously just-woke-up-from-a-deep-sleep features.

"You didn't need to come, I told you I'm fine." What she didn't say was how very relieving it was to see him alive.

"I wanted to make sure," he said. "And I wasn't sleeping anyway."

She knew he was lying and she raised an eyebrow, letting him know that she knew.

"So, I'm here now. What's up?"

"It's nothing really."

Chakotay glared at her curiously. "You've started picking random members of the crew to wake up in the middle of the night for fun?"

"You said you weren't asleep." He stared back at her and she realized that she was too tired to play this games. "You're going to laugh."

"Try me," he said seriously.

She glanced to the floor. _I can't really tell him this, can I?_ And then, as if someone else had spoken for her, she heard herself say, "I had a bad dream."

An amused smile graced his lips; he tried to contain it but his dimples betrayed him.

"I told you," she admonished.

"I'm sorry." Chakotay wasn't used to seeing this more vulnerable side of her and the innocence of her statement made him feel like he was privy to a well-hidden secret. "Dreams can be very powerful, but they aren't real," he assured. "They can't hurt you."

Janeway crossed her arms and sighed, slightly annoyed. "I'm not a child."

"Believe me, I know."

Janeway walked over to the replicator. If Chakotay hadn't been there she would have ordered a black coffee without thinking. But for some reason she was oddly aware that he would disapprove and settled for oolong tea. She ordered one for him as well, unsure of why exactly she was encouraging him to stay.

"As I was saying," Chakotay continued, nodding his thanks for the steaming mug. "Dreams can be very powerful and for that reason, they can be frightening and extremely unsettling. Even in the light of day."

Janeway was now seated at the far end of the couch with her legs tucked up to her chest. The suffocating horror she felt upon awaking had faded but she was still quite unsettled. Somehow being in his presence made it a little better and the tea was warming her from the inside.

"We don't seem to have much light these days," she said softly.

He sighed heavily. They had all been feeling the strain of being in "the void." "Have you been having them often?" He asked kindly. She simply nodded. Chakotay settled himself into the soft armchair opposite next to her and considered his drink.

"Kathryn," he started and she could sense the hesitancy in his voice. "I don't want to pry. But if you'd like to talk. I might be able to help."

She didn't look up. In a way, she hoped he would offer but she couldn't really see detailing this specific nightmare to him. If it had been about anything else there would be no issue. Maybe she could change the subject, if only there was something interesting in the void to talk about.

"If you're having the same dream over and over, your mind might be trying to tell you something. If you understand them, you likely won't have them again." He paused, reading her. "A ship's counselor would be useful right about now. But I've had some practice with dream analysis, and you know you can trust me."

Of course she could trust him. There was no one she trusted more. And she wasn't sure if she would share this particular nightmare with a counselor even if they had one. Who was she kidding? It was the middle of the night. A night that would stretch on for another two years if they didn't find a way out of it. A part of her feared for her sanity if she had this particular delusion even one more time.

Finally, she looked up to meet his eyes and nodded.

"We'll take this slow," he said reassuringly. "If you're uncomfortable at any time, we'll stop, okay?" She appreciated that he wanted her to feel safe.

"Okay. How do we start?"

"How many times have you had this dream?"

"Every night. For about two weeks," she replied.

"That must be very disconcerting," he offered sympathetically. "Is it always the same?"

"Yes. Very close."

Chakotay set his mug on the table and focused in on her. "Tell me how it begins."

Janeway took a deep breath. "I'm running," she began. "Very fast, down a corridor."

"On Voyager?"

"Yes."

When she didn't offer more, he gave her time then asked, "Are you being chased?"

She shook her head. "No. I'm in a hurry. When I stop I'm at sickbay."

"What happens next?"

He saw her eyes close in concentration. "I go inside. The doctor is waiting for me."

"How do you feel?"

"I'm afraid. I know what he's going to say but I don't want to hear it."

Chakotay noticed her breathing accelerate and her fingers clench around her mug as if it were a lifeline. Her eyes were still lightly shut. He wondered if she would pull back now, abandon ship. He was actually surprised she had made it this far before retreating. But to his relief, she seemed resigned to finish what they had started.

"He tells me that his patient is dying. I beg, plead with him to keep trying to save the life, but he won't. He can't."

"How does that make you feel?" Chakotay asked genuinely. Obviously he knew how he would feel at this news but this was all part of making her realize for herself.

She opened her eyes and looked at him. "Helpless." She took another long drink of her tea. Chakotay sensed the pause and waited patiently. "I go over to the bed and I'm terrified." Kathryn averted her attention for a moment and her gaze fell on the door. Then, carefully, she retrained on his kind face. "It's you, Chakotay."

Momentarily taken aback, Chakotay looked down and then up at her once again. "If this is too hard for you, we should stop," he offered. "I didn't realize…."

She shook her head. "It's ok. Strange as it sounds, I think this is helping."

"Continue then?"

"The rest of the dream is you and I. We talk for a short time. And then…." her voice wavered. "You just slip away. I go to leave sickbay. When I step out into the corridor again, it turns dark and I'm falling. And then I wake up."

Chakotay couldn't help but notice that she rushed through the middle section of her experience but he didn't want to push her. He figured he'd start with simpler questions, though he could already see where his analysis was leading. "Is there anyone else in your dream? Besides me and the doctor."

"Yes. Tom Paris is there."

"Do you interact with him?"

"Briefly. He's the one that… He tells me that you're gone."

"Do you know why I'm dying?"

"Not really, I feel like I understand but I couldn't tell you if you asked me."

Chakotay paused for a moment, unsure of whether his next question would upset her. "Do you feel that my death is your fault?"

Kathryn swallowed hard. It's a reasonable question, she's responsible for so many lives, so many decisions and therefore every death. She's surprised when she thinks about it, that in her dream she doesn't feel responsible.

"No," she realizes. "I just accept that it has happened for some reason." Kathryn put her mug on the table in front of them. "Chakotay," she is composed once again. "This nightmare. It's so real. So vivid. When I wake, I have real tears. I can still feel….still smell…." _You,_ she thought but couldn't speak the word.

Chakotay leaned forward in his chair and extended a hand on her knee. "I'm here, Kathryn. And I'm not going anywhere."

She took a moment to compose herself. "So what's your diagnosis, Counselor?"

"Well, I think there could be a few things going on here," he started. "I'm assuming there's a little more to the middle of the dream. But, it's okay. I don't need you to talk about it. I'm just going to ask that you think about what happens. The conversation that we have before I die, is there anything relevant to it?" She opens her mouth to speak but he stops her with a hand. "I don't need to know. Just ask yourself."

She thinks. Of course there is more to it. The most intense moment of the dream isn't when he leaves her, it's when she finally admits what they both know to be true. She nods, indicating to him that she understands what he's getting at. A wave of gratitude washes over her that he hasn't pressed for those details.

"That conversation, it might be the most relevant part of the whole thing. But that's for you to know. The only other question I have is this. "Are you afraid of losing me?"

Kathryn's eyes shot up to him at his unexpected statement. He clarified. "That is to say, on any random day at 0800 hours, when we're sitting next to each other on the bridge. Are you afraid that I am going to die?"

Kathryn shook her head. "No. I don't lead from a place of fear. I try to make decisions that protect every life on this ship. You're my closest friend, but you're also a grown man who can take care of himself. I'm no more afraid of losing you than anyone else."

Chakotay nodded. "That's what I thought. Kathryn, this nightmare it's not about losing me. The person in sickbay could have been anyone. I'm the only person you've seen, spoken to in weeks since we've been in the void; it stands to reason that I'm the one you're seeing. Dreams about being unable to prevent death are often about a loss of control. Your subconscious it's trying to tell you that you're losing your hold over something. Whether it's that we've been stuck in the void, stuck in the Delta Quadrant, or you simply can't get your replicator to work properly. Somewhere, you've lost confidence in your control." Chakotay thought a moment and relaxed back in his chair. "At least, that's my not-particularity-educated opinion."

She took in his words but she couldn't help but feel he had it wrong. Yes, she was losing control. But it wasn't just about the ship, her command decisions or the void. And it certainly wasn't the chicken she had burnt for lunch. It was her feelings. The middle part of her dream was the most crucial. She loved him, she knew it. Awake or asleep it was true. And her mind was losing the ability to fight this battle anymore; denial was the cause. On top of that, she couldn't shake the feeling that the nightmare was a warning. She didn't want to be the woman in her dream, confessing when it was already too late. Or worse, losing the chance all together. But in the light of day, she was afraid. Afraid that by telling him, she would lose even more. He was right about losing control. She couldn't control this kind of love.

"Kathryn?"

His voice brought her back to reality. The adrenaline had long worn off and the late hour combined with multiple stresses; she suddenly felt very tired. He could see it in her face.

"I'll leave you to get some rest. See you in the morning?" He asked, rising to leave.

She nodded. "Do you think I'll have the dream again?"

"Maybe," he said. "Hopefully not. I don't feel like dying anymore tonight, you'll probably be fine," he teased kindly. "If you need me, I'm right down the hall."

"Thank you. For coming here tonight. I appreciate it."

The commander had crossed the room to leave when he heard his name said quickly. He looked back to see her fidgeting uncomfortably. "If you do… that is, if something happens..." She looked up at him. "Do you have any wishes? Customs?"

He was about to admonish her for being morbid, about to relay again that he wasn't going anywhere. But he didn't want to dismiss her apparent need for this information. Of course he had wishes. Didn't everyone? He yearned to be laid to rest under the shade of trees in fertile ground. Surrounded by long-lived friends who would celebrate instead of mourn. But he could not speak these words for to do so would lay an additional burden upon her.

So he said what he felt was right. "Nothing important," and then he offered her a sympathetic smile.

"Good night Kathryn. Sweet dreams."

Moments later she was alone again.

Kathryn pulled a light blanket off the back of the couch. Then she wrapped it around herself and fell headlong into an otherwise uneventful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

Much to her surprise, Kathryn enjoyed further dreamless nights after her late-night talk with Chakotay. Unfortunately, her days were still plagued with guilt and anxiety. The stress of being in 'the void' continued to take its toll and she still couldn't shake the feeling that her nightmares had been a premonition.

Three days later, when they intercepted the Malon vessel, new priorities would overtake her attention. Two years of darkness saved and a whole new group of star systems to explore elated the crew. But escaping the dark was not without its price, at least, not for her. Another divot, another chink in the armor of trust was the cost this time.

Kathryn couldn't help but feel that she had been more than slightly betrayed by _his_ little mutiny. She had been willing, all too willing perhaps, to sacrifice herself in exchange for a couple of years off the journey. In retrospect it was probably short-sighted. _Why was she so eager to make the ultimate trade?_ she wondered. _To make up for time that she owed them all and a to save a poisoned alien race; a cheap fix to assuage her guilt?_

It didn't matter. He had ripped that option away from her. And as a result she skirted around him, spent long hours in her ready room, cancelled a dinner. Or was it two?

It wasn't like her to be petty and she certainly wasn't one to stifle her opinions, especially where her ability to command was called into question. But for some reason she couldn't quite place, she didn't want to let him know just how much his subterfuge had hurt. Could it be that she had been so open and forthcoming about her innermost thoughts but by the light of day he couldn't see to have been honest with her?

At the moment, she sat, sipping coffee at her desk. She had been thumbing through reports, though not really taking in a terrible amount of information from them, when the door chimed.

"Come."

Chakotay walked into the ready room and stood silently while she finished reading. Or, at least that's what she appeared to be doing. She wanted him to have to wait. Finally, she looked up.

"Commander?"

"Alpha shift ended ten minutes ago," he said. "Care to join me for dinner?"

She looked up at him. "Dinner? Now? It's only 1600 hours."

Chakotay gave her a sly smile. "Well, you don't seem to be hungry at 1900 anymore, I thought maybe I'd see if early was more to your liking."

"I have to finish reading these reports," she replied, massaging her brow.

"1700 then?" He suggested. But she didn't look up. "1800?"

She could feel annoyance beginning to build inside of her, but she tempered it for the cause. "Another day perhaps."

A flash of disappointment fell on his face.  Undeterred, he said, "Breakfast tomorrow then, and I'm not taking no for an answer."

Breakfast. She could manage breakfast if it got him off of her back for just a little while longer. She sighed and nodded. "Bring coffee."

He smiled, new hope on his face, and left her to read.

But she wasn't really reading, was she?


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

She was running again. A different corridor this time, but still running. Her eyes were focused dead ahead and she was slowed only by the realization that something was under her feet. Faltering. Tripping. She looked down. Bodies. Everywhere there were uniformed, bloody bodies and she was struggling to keep pace over them.

She reached the end of the hall and a door slid open. The bridge. It was dark but she could see that more dead lie all around. Tuvok, Harry, Seven, Tom… She carefully stepped around them, fully aware of the carnage that had clearly just occurred, but oddly unemotional.

 _I should be upset by this_ , she thought.

In the center, one man was standing. She approached him in the dim light. His hands were dripping red.

"You killed them. You killed them all," she heard herself say.

His face betrayed an evil smile.

"I wouldn't be a fine first officer if I hadn't."

He reached for her and shared the sticky, crimson gore on her pale hands. Then he kissed her brutally hard on the lips.

* * *

Commander Chakotay, with a thermos of Neelix's coffee in tow, was on his way to meet Kathryn. He was distracted to say the least, but managed to offer a restrained sneer and a nod to B'Elanna as she tried to sneak out of Tom Paris's quarters. B'Elanna shrugged at him and went down the hall with a coy smile.

Though it was probably the hundredth time he had gone to her home for a meal, Chakotay was oddly nervous. Kathryn's behavior following that bizarre night when she had chimed him in a panic was less than status-quo. Say nothing of the fact that she had isolated herself from the crew completely for almost a month before that.

Then the Malon had happened. He saw her grasping at that vortex as it were a lifeline. It unnerved him, the way she asked if he was ready to command the ship. That she would give up what was hers so easily. It bothered him even further that she would think it was a fair trade; two years for a captain. And though he was loathe to admit it, the biggest blow of all was that she was willing to walk away what they had built together. Trust, friendship; and he liked to think, the possibility of more.  He sidled up to her door and was just about to ring the chime when his com-badge chirped.

_Janeway to Commander Chakotay_

"Chakotay here," he replied.

_I'm going to have to miss our breakfast this morning Commander._

"Oh?" He could hear her rustling from behind the door. _She's trying to leave before I get here,_ he thought.

_I've been called to Engineering. Janeway out._

The doors swished open and he stood with an amused look on his face. She stopped just short of running into him.  Her hand landed on his chest to stop the collision.

"I didn't realize Engineering had an emergency this morning. Want me to come along? I have coffee," he added playfully.

She quickly removed her hand and swallowed her disdain at his impeccable timing. _Of all the people on this damned ship why does he…_. "Not an emergency Commander. Just, something. Okay? B'Elanna said there was something and now I have to go there."

What was mild amusement turned to concern at her flustered appearance. "Are you trying to avoid me?"

"What?" She asked bluntly, buying herself a little time to respond.

"I asked if you were _avoiding_ me," he said a little more pointedly this time.

Janeway, paused. She composed herself and then found authority to impart in her next words. "I beg your pardon, Commander?"

Chakotay stumbled, suddenly remembering his place. "Apologies Captain, but I just…." He motioned down the hall where he had seen B'Elanna, but trailed off when he met her expression. It held an equal mixture of annoyance and shame. "I'll see you on the bridge later," he finished. She nodded and Chakotay noted something unexpected flash in her eyes. Gratitude, perhaps.

She walked purposefully away from him, and from coffee, which was possibly the most disconcerting thing of all.

* * *

The days that followed their awkward hallway conversation had left Chakotay with a strange mixture of guilt and dread. Kathryn had been avoiding him - of that he was certain - but why remained a mystery. And, as unresolved things often do, her behavior began to fester within his mind.

They had been out of "the void" for two weeks now. Crew morale was at an all-time high. From what he could tell, the captain had returned to normal except where he was concerned. She was chatting with people again, hadn't missed a shift. She was seen attending various functions and had resumed her recreational time. He couldn't help but take her cold shoulder toward him personally. His sister would have laughed at the adolescence of it all, she once compared starship life to the seventh grade. "Too many hormones and rules and not enough space," Sekaya had told him. Maybe she was right.

Chakotay grabbed his gear bag and headed out for a few rounds of boxing to clear his mind. The turbolift deposited him on Deck Six just in time to see her. She was also dressed for exercise and disappeared into the first Holodeck.

Chakotay entered Holodeck Two distractedly thinking about her, which was the exact opposite reason he was there in the first place. He was taken aback when his world turned black and white.

"Unhand her!" Tom Paris shouted from across a stereotypical dungeon.

Chakotay froze. He had been running late, or so he thought and expected the previous party to already be gone.

"Computer freeze program," he heard Harry Kim say from behind him.

"Sorry sir," Harry offered. "We were just finishing up."

Tom turned to him, a jet-propulsion pack dangling awkwardly on his shoulders. "Can we credit you fifteen?"

Chakotay shook his head and made a decision. "You know what? Keep it. You can have the rest of the hour too."

Tom was taken aback. "Are you sure? Do you want to join us?"

"It's fine," he said over his shoulder. "I'd rather play Velocity anyway."

Then he exited, leaving two perplexed officers and a robot with a blonde hostage.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

Kathryn Janeway was deeply focused. Sweaty, heart pounding concentration consumed her. As such, she didn't hear him enter behind her. Chakotay set down his bag in the corner next to her towel, took a phaser from the rack on the wall and waited silently.

She was in training mode. There was no additional opponent and the skill level was obviously set quite high. He admired her agility; the way she bobbed and weaved adeptly in her Starfleet-red tennis dress. A dress that fit her form quite well he noticed. Had there not existed this tension between them he might have even indulged a quick fantasy or two.

She hit the disk with precise phaser fire again and again. The ferocity with which she attacked it made him wonder if the target had done something to her personally. After her fourth point she had the occasion to turn directly to where he was standing while tracing the disk's course across the deck. She saw him, and her concentration shattered like a dropped champagne glass. The disk came hurtling back at her but she wasn't prepared to dodge it. It evaporated before striking her in the head.

"What are you doing?" She growled, dropping the phaser to her side.

"Waiting patiently."

She eyed him up and down. The double entendre wasn't lost on her.

"Computer. Two player mode," she ordered. "Reset and begin."

Janeway stepped to the other side of the court, phaser trained to the center, and waited for the disk to materialize. With a swoop it went first toward Chakotay who deftly fired and reversed it back to her.

"Glad to see you finally took my suggestion," he said as she hit the disk. He crouched low as it slung over his head then pivoted back and fired. The disk flipped red and went back to Janeway. "Should I be offended you didn't invite me to join you?" He probed.

"Apparently you don't need an invitation," she replied and sent the target zinging back to him. It clipped him in the shoulder.

_*Partial contact. First point Janeway. Advantage Janeway.*_

"I'm still warming up," he explained. "Is this helping you to clear your head?"

The disk reformed in the middle of the room and this time headed for the captain. "It was," she replied then fired on the target easily. "Do you always intrude on private holodeck time?"

He spun the disk red and she ducked then followed it straight up. She fired once, missed and regrouped.

"When you're otherwise avoiding me, yes," he replied. Chakotay couldn't be sure if it was his words or the steep rising angle that caused her to miss but the target bounced from the floor and slammed into her awkwardly from behind.

_*Full contact. Second point Chakotay. Tie.*_

Janeway shook off the loss.

"You think I'm avoiding you?" She asked as the next serve went toward him. He knocked it back.

"Aren't you?"

Janeway threw herself flat against the back wall to avoid a strike then waited for it to return. "No," she lied. The disk was right behind him, she had him trapped. As she struck, he had nowhere to go. It smacked his arm.

* _Full contact. Third point Janeway. Advantage Janeway.*_

"Computer, pause program," Chakotay ordered.

"What, we can't play and argue at the same time?" Janeway spat back.

"I wasn't aware we were arguing," he said, opening his hands with palms upward as a sign of surrender. "Look, Kathryn. If I've done something to upset you, I'm very sorry. But please, give me a clue here."

Kathryn exhaled. She walked to the corner, kneeled down then dabbed sweat from her forehead with her towel. "You're right," she finally confessed. "I haven't been fair to you. I am angry with you and I haven't been clear about why." The admission was as much to him as it was to herself.

 _Now we're getting somewhere_ , he thought. "What did I do?"

She stood again and faced him. "You mutinied the crew."

"That's what this is about?" he asked incredulously.

"What else would it be?"

"Kathryn, did you honestly want to spend the rest of your life exploring the Delta Quadrant in a shuttle?"

"Of course not." She threw the towel back to the corner.

"Well…..?"

"You went behind my back Chakotay. You made me look like a fool. You had a solution and you didn't involve me."

"That solution was a joint effort," he clarified. "It wasn't my idea alone. It was born of a desire to keep you with us."

"You should have told me."

"Can you honestly say you would have heard it?" Chakotay started to feel fury seep into his words. "You know full well that you were hell bent on self-sacrifice in an attempt to appease your own guilt."

"Irrelevant. I walked into an ambush on my own bridge, orchestrated by you. You're asking if I'm angry? Yes. I'm angry," she seethed. "Computer, resume program."

The commander shook his head and dutifully raised his phaser one more time. Coming into the game Chakotay really didn't care about winning; he cared about reaching her. But now he was more than a little motivated. She was, apparently, furious with him. Worse than that, she didn't feel like she could tell him. She had been internalizing this "thing" between them for weeks.

 _How dare she_ , he thought. _Who the hell does she think she is?_

They played five more grueling points without talking. The thickness of sweat and emotion in the air was palpable. It seemed they were both out for blood.

_*Full contact. Eighth point Janeway. Advantage Janeway.*_

Janeway wiped her brow and steadied her breathing in anticipation of the next serve. It headed for her and she bounced it around. Chakotay retreated to give himself some room then launched it back. He saw her out of the corner of his eye. She came at him to try to trap him the same way she did earlier in the game, but this time he was wise to her. He moved to extricate himself from the corner when the disk came soaring for them. She weaved and fell right into his arms. The target clipped her leg.

_*Partial contact. Ninth point Chakotay. Tie.*_

Janeway shuddered at the sudden physical contact with his strong, warm body. In another circumstance she might have lingered there just a moment longer. He helped her back on her feet quickly and she brushed herself off.

"One point left," he said. "Is this making you feel any better?"

She glared at him and the final disk materialized in the center.

"We don't have to finish," he offered.

"If you don't finish this game, I'll have your pips," she growled.

Chakotay raised his phaser.

The disk turned blue and went for the commander. He fired and tossed it to the far wall. Janeway ducked underneath it.

"When this game is over, will we be done fighting?" he asked.

She flipped it back to him and strafed to the left. "I don't know, why?"

Chakotay crouched low then came up shooting. "Because if we're not I'm going to keep this disk up forever."

"I don't want to fight with you Chakotay," she admitted, sending it back to him.

Chakotay let the disk free itself from the far corner before retraining on it. "Right. I forgot. You just want to avoid me."

"Obviously that doesn't work." Janeway broke into a short sprint to the other side. "Besides I told you why I'm upset." She suddenly really wanted to win this. She wanted to win it now. And then she wanted to leave.

"I don't believe you," he panted. "What happened to the woman that shared her intimate nightmares with me?" The blue disk came careening back to him at full force. He weaved and waited for it to slow. She took the moment to wipe her brow while he lobbed it back to her then repositioned.

Then, realization hit him as hard as if it had been the final point of this damned game they were playing. "You've been having more of them, haven't you?"

"Not. Your. Business," she punctuated, volleying it back low and fast.

"You've made it my business." He rolled across the floor and trained his phaser upward sending the disk careening to her. "You said in your dream that you weren't in control. You can't control everything, you know."

She swiped at the disk maliciously and it twisted unpredictably for a moment then resumed course towards him. That he would use such private knowledge in this way made her blood boil.

"Watch me," she bit back. "I can control who's in _my_ brig for insubordination." She shifted to the middle of the court and waited for an opportunity to strike again.

"People care about you," he said, and as the words fell so did another piece of the puzzle. He indulged a deep breath before the disk came back at him. "Even if you're convinced you don't deserve it out of guilt for getting us all stranded." He smacked the target red again and sent it back to her but he wasn't done. "I care about you. And you can't control that. Even if you push me away I'll always look out for you."

He watched as she trained on the disk and ignored his last comment. He took her silence as understanding.

"That's what this is, isn't it?" He fired it back one final time then let the phaser hang loosely in his hand, game be damned. "It's not that you were made a fool of. You can't stand that _I_ had to rescue you from yourself. And you're convinced _you_ weren't worth the effort."

Janeway dropped her phaser to the side of her leg and the disk careened to a halt. It evaporated before hitting her chest.

_*Full impact. Final point Chakotay. Winner Chakotay.*_

"Computer, reset last point," Chakotay said.

"Belay that," she snapped. "End program." The phasers disappeared from their hands. "I don't need to beat you." She threw her arms up weakly, then let them fall; defeated. "You've already won."

Then she walked out of the holodeck - in her red tennis dress.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

As was the case with most disasters, upon reflection Captain Janeway would come to realize that the events of this particular day had flown by at warp speed. Which was ironic because at the time they were happening she felt every decision, every shudder, every system loss in agonizing slow motion.

She would also find that even had she been granted more information or more time, all decisions would have led her to exactly the same place - sitting on the surface of a lush, green planet with virtually no hope left of ever reaching Earth.

What had started as a normal morning on Alpha shift quickly changed as Ensign Kim announced that they had just received a distress call.

"What's the origin?" Janeway asked, coming to the bridge from her ready room.

"A class-M planet, about zero-point-three light years from here," Kim replied. "I'm trying to clean it up now."

Janeway shot a nod to Chakotay. "Helm, lay in a course maximum warp," he ordered. Since their heated match-turned-argument two days ago they had been nothing but civil towards each other. Nothing but. And nothing more.

Through static and crackling, a female voice could be heard.

_This is First Ministress Mashap of the planet Ripshyn. We are under attack…._

The voice crackled out and Janeway shot a look back to Ensign Kim. "Sorry Captain, one more minute and we'll be in range."

_…..third planet…. peaceful people, please if you can hear me…._

"Can we respond?" Chakotay asked.

"No sir, this is playing on a loop. All frequencies and several languages."

"Sensors?" Janeway asked.

Tuvok spoke up. "There appears to be a large station in orbit of the planet. It is firing a plasma-based weapon at the surface."

"Hail the station," she ordered.

"No response captain," Kim replied. "There are no lifesigns onboard."

"What?" Chakotay asked, he rose from his seat to join Ensign Kim. "So that station is just firing on them for no reason?"

"We have insufficient information to determine a reason," Tuvok added.  "However, the pattern and frequency suggests that we are witnessing an automated firing solution."

"Captain, I've located the settlement." Janeway could hear tension starting to rise in the ensign's voice. "Just over ten thousand people, they're on the northern part of the largest landmass."

Tuvok interjected. "The station is not firing on their precise location, however, given the orbital rate, the colony will be impacted in approximately fifteen minutes."

"Tuvok, give me options for taking out the station's weapon systems," she ordered. "Yellow Alert."

"I have the colony Captain. Audio only," Kim announced. "They can hear you."

"Ripshyn colony, this is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. We have received your distress call and we are nearby. We have observed an unmanned station in orbit that is firing on you. Do you have any idea why or how we can disable it?"

_Voyager, thank you for answering our call. The station is very old, it was for commerce but now serves only as protection. Our settlement is a monastery, we have abandoned most technology. We have no way to interact with the Protector. Our home world is several days away._

"Understood. We estimate about fifteen minutes until you come under fire. We'll do whatever we can to disarm it," Janeway promised.

_Thank you Voyager. We will pray for you._

"Captain," Tuvok interjected. "The station has an advanced shielding system that will likely prove difficult to penetrate. If you intend to disable it via weapons systems we should start now."

"I guess that means we can't transport onto it?" Chakotay asked.

"Not at the present time," Tuvok confirmed.

"Then take out the generators and weapons systems," Janeway ordered.

"Acknowledged. Firing phasers."

Janeway turned her attention back to the main view screen. The instant that firing commenced, everything changed. The station immediately stopped its barrage on the planet.

"I think we got its attention," Chakotay said. The bridge grew eerily silent.

"Hold your fire," Janeway ordered, her hand up in the air. She stood and stared at the station as if trying to read its mind.

"We're being scanned," Kim warned. "Captain, the station is charging weapons again. It has targeted Voyager."

"Red Alert," Chakotay ordered.

Janeway watched with dread as the first volley hurled toward her ship.

* * *

**Eight Minutes Later**

"Let me see if I have this straight," Janeway said in between the trading of weapons fire. "If we leave, the station will resume firing on the planet, killing ten-thousand people. And if we stay…"

"We will have to destroy it or it _will_ destroy us," Seven confirmed. She had entered the bridge moments ago and gave a report on what she could ascertain from Astrometrics regarding the station's origin. According to Seven, the construction was approximately three-hundred years old, the same age as the oldest dwellings on the planet's surface. And it was, quite obviously, malfunctioning. Seven hypothesized that a lightning storm in the upper atmosphere had attracted attention. The computer then erroneously accessed the planet itself as a threat to the colony.

Tom Paris, who had begun to break a sweat trying to evade the station's wrath, asked a question. "If Voyager is destroyed then we revert back to scenario number one?"

"Correct," Seven replied. "The station's programming prioritizes the most serious threat and countermands it first, then it will return to deal with secondary targets."

Janeway rubbed her forehead. "How long until it's firing close enough to threaten the colony?"

"Four minutes. And then the colony will continue to be in danger for another twenty-five."

"So we have to either disable it or keep it occupied for another half-an-hour," Chakotay finished.

"We're not going to be able to take those plasma weapons that long," Kim warned.

Chakotay met Kathryn's eyes for an extended moment and in a telepathic flash he knew what she was thinking. He walked amongst her thoughts as he had done countless times before. In that instant she was considering turning tail to run. To save the ship and crew at the cost of strangers and her soul. But he knew her better than that, and he felt the compassion within her well and take over. She would bear the fault again.

_Torres to the bridge. Captain, we've had a fire down here. We could use some extra hands._

She nodded at him and broke the spell between them. Chakotay gave her a look that he hoped would fortify her confidence. Then he left the bridge with Seven on his heel.

"Mr. Tuvok, any progress on the shield generators?"

Tuvok replied without looking up from his console. "Yes Captain, but at the current rate of degradation aboard Voyager, it is too close to tell whether we will prevail."


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

Voyager was dying a slow death. In the next twenty minutes, her shields were all but gone and weapons control was scattered at best. They had lost transporters, warp and impulse drive and most of their sensors. The only good news was that the station was also showing considerable wear. Unfortunately, it had not lost the ability to target its fire.

Commander Chakotay was in Engineering, trying but failing to keep power to the forward shields when the call came across the comm.

_Captain Janeway to all hands. Abandon ship. I repeat all hands abandon ship._

"Dammit," Chakotay swore. The crew around him scattered from their stations. He and B'Elanna worked to quickly secure as many systems as they could and then retreated out of Engineering. As B'Elanna climbed into a pod with Seven and two others she turned back to look at him.

"I can't," he said apologetically.

Her eyes met his. "I know."

Chakotay sealed the hatch and ejected the pod. Then he took a minor detour on his way back to the bridge.

* * *

"Maybe you missed the message," Janeway said as her first officer rushed onto the bridge. "I said, 'All hands abandon ship,' that means you too Commander," she spat at him as her fingers deftly maneuvered the helm.

"I'm not leaving without you," Chakotay announced from the upper section.

"Like hell you aren't. I'm giving you a direct order. Abandon. Ship."

"You have to come with me," he stated calmly, coming down to join her.

"I can't, someone has to make sure Voyager destroys that station," she restated. "We're down to the wire. Another nine minutes and we'll ram it."

"Using Voyager as a detonator? Is that really the only option?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Can you be sure it will work?"

Without looking up from the helm, Janeway answered quickly. "Tuvok believes so. We're down to thrusters, not much of a choice. All but one of the plasma weapons were disabled before we lost weapons but it's still firing. The station's shields are down. If we impact it, it'll go. And until it does I have to use Voyager as a shield."

"Set the auto-pilot."

"It's offline," she tore herself away from the console to look back at him. They were running out of time and they both knew it. "Chakotay. You have to get off this ship. The crew still needs a leader."

"Then you go and I'll stay," he interrupted. "Please, Kathryn." She could hear a desperate timbre to his voice. She had heard it before, only once, when she saw herself dying in his arms.

"Looks like you're a mutiny of one this time," she said. "I can't leave and you know that. There's no use in us both dying here."

Chakotay hoped that she would someday understand why he was about to do what he was about to do. For his part, he had made peace with the decision to give his life for hers a long time ago. Chakotay's fingers snaked up the back of his tunic and grasped an object concealed in the waistband of his pants.

Another volley of weapons fire hurtled toward them.

Janeway had returned her attention to the helm to briefly fire thrusters when she felt a familiar sensation at the side of her neck. Her brain registered what had happened - _what he had done -_ but it was too late. She spun around and looked him wide in the eyes. A horrified "noooo!" hissed from her lips.

She heard him say "forgive me" just before everything went dark.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

Chakotay surmised he had about ninety seconds to be away from the helm before Voyager would start to veer off-course and put the pods in danger. He made a last correction over the Captain's inert body then knelt down beside her. In one swift motion he pulled her up over his shoulder. She was lighter than he remembered, though the last time he had performed this particular maneuver there was the added weight of her already being dead. He pushed the memory out of his mind and hurried with her to the back of the bridge.

Two steps up the ramp and past Harry's workstation the door hissed open in front of him. He stayed his footing for just a moment as another volley of weapons fire shook the deck beneath him. He could have set a clock by their interval now and anticipated when they would hit.

A few more long strides around the curved hallway and he was faced with one remaining pod. Chakotay slapped the control panel with his left hand and the hatch opened for him with a low groan. He would regret later how unceremoniously he deposited her body into it, but there wasn't time for formality. Two taps on the console and the restraint harness pulled her tight against the seat. Without so much as a second look he exited the cramped space, closed the door and activated the release thrusters. "Safe journey Kathryn," he whispered as he stole one last moment to watch her be jettisoned away.

Back at the helm Chakotay was relieved to find that Voyager was still in position to shield the pods though she was waning quickly. His fingers deftly maneuvered to right the course as another volley hit the starboard side. The ship shuddered and moaned. The computer's warnings were so voluminous that at this point they barely registered. "Computer, mute all automated warnings," he ordered and the bridge fell eerily silent.

"Time to intercept the station?" he asked.

_*At current course and speed, collision will occur in six minutes, thirty seconds.*_

Chakotay let his fingers fall from the console. _Six minutes, thirty seconds_ , he thought. Then a flash of fear swept through him.

"Computer, how many life signs are currently onboard?"

_*There is one life sign onboard.*_

The Commander let out a breath of relief.

 _Six minutes_. _So this is what my life has come to._

Another convulsion of weapons fire rang out but this time it took him off guard. He clung to the side of the console and used the thrusters to readjust again.

Too many times when sleep would not come to him, Chakotay had imagined the circumstance of his eventual death. When he was a part of the Maquis, a brutal demise was a foregone conclusion. But since joining Voyager, his life was no longer something to simply be traded for an equal share of Cardassians. Here, he had something solid to live for.

Still, and especially since hearing of Kathryn's dream, he would think about the end of life. In any one of a hundred scenarios it would take place here, on the bridge engaged in a losing battle. But never had he expected he would be alone. That he was alone should have offered him some comfort. Through his actions they would be spared. And he had kept her safe. But alas, he found little reprieve from regret.

His biggest regret, he realized, was not in dying now. It was in not telling her how he really felt. He had hinted at it, teased around it, but never took the chance to reveal plainly the truth he had been concealing for far too long. So many missed opportunities and for what? He suddenly felt very foolish.

Chakotay's thoughts continued to meander and came to rest on the last image he would have of her; unconscious, strapped in a life boat, head lulled forward. He had to chuckle morbidly at how angry she would be when she woke up. He imagined what that moment would be like. He always thought there was something adorable about the way she looked when she was mad. How her forehead crinkled and she put her hands on her hips. This time would be different though. This time anger would give way to sadness and he wouldn't be there to comfort her.

His thoughts skated again and he hoped she would stay unconscious long enough to miss Voyager's destruction. The truth was, however, that she would probably see it. The sedative would wear off quickly. He had to be sure she could maneuver the pod through the atmosphere. Oh, how he wished she wouldn't have to watch.

Suddenly, another barrage roused him from his musings.

"Computer, how long to intercept?"

_*At current course and speed, collision will occur in four minutes, ten seconds.*_

One more thruster burst and then Chakotay let his hands rest on his legs. Voyager was so close to the station now that not many more adjustments would be needed. He closed his eyes lightly and took a mindful, metered breath.

"Acoocheemoya…." he began, the familiar phrase falling from his lips. "I am far from the bones of my father. My time in this life is quickly drawing to a close. I call upon my spirit guide for one final favor. Be with me now. Lead me to the place where I will find peace among my ancestors."

Chakotay rode out the next cascade of weapons fire in serenity. He relished every sensation of movement and sound knowing they would be among his last. Then he gently guided his thoughts to pleasant memories. For a long moment he played with his sister in a field of fragrant wildflowers. Then he stood, kneading warm yeasty dough with his grandmother. Finally, he placed an arm around Kathryn while they drifted on a calm lake. He could smell champagne and the softness of her hair. It was this final recollection that he indulged the longest.

Only when the computer interrupted with an unexpected cheerful chirp was he roused from his reflections. Chakotay opened his eyes and stared at the panel with confusion.

Someone was hailing Voyager.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

Janeway woke alone in the claustrophobically small escape pod. Horror. Blind, unadulterated horror pulsed through her veins as the reality of what had happened finally settled upon her. She slammed her fists on the console in front of her. "Dammit!" she shouted to five empty seats. Gaining her bearings, Janeway checked the time index. Ten minutes. Only ten minutes has elapsed since he had sedated her. _If that's true then maybe, just maybe_ , she thought. She brought the compact viewscreen online and scanned 360 degrees.

In the distance, barely visible, was the station. She gazed upon it for mere seconds before a shuddering explosion ripped from one side through to the other. Janeway froze, her breath caught and she forced herself to peel away from the carnage. If this had been a nightmare, surely now would have been the point that she awoke. Alas, she found no such reprieve.

Her initial anger at him, that he had done it again – saved her when she hadn't wanted to be saved – gave way to unutterable grief. A piece of station shrapnel impacted her pod and the resulting jolt was the only thing that snapped her back to reality.

Her delicate vessel had veered from its original trajectory thanks to the percussion and she worked, without thinking, to correct the course. The residual fog of sedation left her. Ahead she could make out several dozen similar pods beginning their entry into the planet's atmosphere. They were too far to have been affected by the blast, for that she was grateful.

A fleeting thought whispered through her mind. Would this be the last time she would be among the stars? Did it even matter now?

* * *

By the time it was all over and the other vessel was gone, Chakotay struggled to regain his mental bearings. Moments ago he had been praying to the spirits for salvation and now, almost inexplicably, he was staring at a number on the ship's chronometer that he should never have lived to see.

He took a moment to make sense of the time that had elapsed. A small vessel had come into the system at high warp. They asked him to back off. He refused. They explained to him that they had arrived to remedy the malfunctioning 'Protector.' And that he and his people could not be allowed to make this sacrifice; martyrdom was forbidden here. Nor could they stay on the planet. They extended shields around Voyager and prevented him from proceeding any further. He had no choice but to acquiesce. He moved the ship as best he could out of the way and then, with a single order, they destroyed the station.

It all but defied belief.

Chakotay availed himself of the ready room and sat at Kathryn's desk. "Computer, display the status of ships systems. List in order of criticality," he requested. "Open a channel to the escape pods on the planet's surface."

_Unable to comply. Middle and long range communications systems are offline._

Chakotay nodded disappointedly. "Resume automated warnings. Cancel Red Alert."

_Warning. Orbit will deteriorate in approximately twenty-two minutes. Altitude correction required._

A veritable manifesto of damaged systems presented itself on the screen. Chakotay let out a pained sigh. He transferred the list to a PADD then stood and took a page from Kathryn's playbook.

"Coffee. Black," he ordered.

This was going to take a while.


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

Janeway's pod landed in a clearing about 500 meters from the others. Re-entry had been textbook. She hoped it had been the same for everyone else. She could see through the window a bright blue sky and lush green covering to the ground below. She hesitated to call it "grass," it resembled something like a soft, dense moss and looking out it was dotted with other pods - many, many other pods. For that, she was grateful. Crew members in soiled uniforms milled about, she noticed them beginning to purposefully organize into teams.

Janeway took a moment to regroup before exiting the lifeboat. She would be needed soon. There was shelter to erect, supplies to gather and possibly injured to attend to in the hours before nightfall. Based on where she believed they landed it would be days until the colonists came to their aid, if the residents were even aware of their location.

She had to make at least a temporary peace with what had just occurred. Putting on a strong face to the crew was important but she felt it might be impossible. Voyager was gone. She wasn't simply missing like when the Seska and the Kazon had made off with her. Rather, she had been obliterated. And with her, their best chance at ever returning home had evaporated.

She was a captain without a ship. A leader who had failed in her sole mission. The woman who got him killed.

At least this planet was inhabited with a seemingly knowledgeable and benevolent, if not space-faring race. Janeway's people, the ones that were left, would survive. But the one who was not. She couldn't bear to think it. Her nightmare had come true, but worse. She hadn't taken the time to tell him. She hadn't even apologized.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a banging on the door of her pod.

Janeway gathered herself and unsealed the hatch. She was met with a mixture of relief and confusion from Lieutenants Torres and Paris.

"Captain!" Torres exclaimed as Paris took her arm to help her down the large step.

"Are you injured?" Paris asked, running a medical tricorder up and down.

"No. No I'm alright," Janeway replied.

"Your blood pressure is low," he said, concerned and continued scanning her. "Do you have a sedative in your system?" Meeting his captain's eyes, realization struck and Tom changed the subject. "I have to get back, we have a few bumps and the doc needs my help." He stowed his medical tricorder. "Glad to have you with us ma'am," he added before beginning the return trek.

"There are a lot of people that will be very happy to see you," B'Elanna offered as Janeway dusted herself off and fixed her hair.

"How many people, B'Elanna?" she asked hesitantly.

"We just counted. One hundred and forty-four. Plus you."

Janeway let out an audible sigh of relief.

"All but one," B'Elanna finished.

Janeway nodded and put her hand on B'Elanna's arm. There was a sadness in the engineer's eyes, a realization that the man, the friend she expected to find in the pod was gone.

"Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked, emotion creeping into her voice.

"I'm sorry B'Elanna." Janeway hung her head slightly. "I don't know why he did it. But…."

"He loved you," the engineer interrupted, arms crossed. "Frankly I would have been surprised if we found him in that pod alone."

Janeway looked at the woman. She took in the basic statement of her words. It wasn't a suggestion or a theory. That he loved her was fact. The realization, however, was a blow. A torturous ache. A thousand regrets.

Janeway steadied herself. "Let's get to the others."

* * *

Naomi Wildman ran as fast as her little feet could carry her, bobbing and weaving through the pods and people. "Seven!" She shouted at the top of her lungs.

Seven of Nine turned around and faced the little girl. "Naomi Wildman." She took note that the girl was pulling her favorite blue stuffed Flodder behind her.

"You made it!" she shouted, throwing herself around Seven's leg in a giant hug.

Seven raised an eyebrow. "Indeed. I am glad to see that you are also uninjured." She noted that the girl was clearly producing an abundance of adrenaline as a response to the fresh air.

"I've never been in an escape pod before. I mean, not really just that one time they let me take a peak after our drill."

"You were able to perform evacuation maneuvers without issue?" Seven asked.

"Yup. When I heard Captain Janeway's order I left my quarters with Flodder. I made a left, then a right and another left and then I waited by pod number eighteen until Neelix got there. Just like we practiced."

"Impressive. Your ability to follow instructions undoubtedly saved your life. And the life of Flodder."

"Mom is so proud of me," she said with a grin.

"I am sure she is." Seven's line of thought was interrupted by a com-badge chirp.

_Janeway to all senior staff, convene at the hillside in fifteen minutes._

"I must go now. We will continue this reunion at a later time."

"Agreed," Naomi saw her mother waving to her from across the field. "My mom wants me back now anyway."


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11**

Captain Janeway assembled her senior staff along with Seven and Neelix below the shade of a small outcropping of deciduous trees. Most of them had shed their uniform jackets in response to the warm afternoon and B'Elanna was down to her tank.

Janeway made eye contact with each one as they joined her and once they were settled she began.

"First let me say how glad I am to see each and every one of you. I know the next few days are going to be difficult, but I have the utmost confidence in your abilities to keep our crew safe. That said, please, report on what you know of our present situation."

The captain motioned for Commander Tuvok to begin. "We are located, as planned, on the northern hemisphere of the largest landmass on Ripshyn, approximately 200 kilometers from the nearest coast. According to our previous scans and from what I could determine upon entry, we are in an uninhabited area. The only sentient life on this planet is located in a colony approximately 80 kilometers to the west. Indigenous animal life in the surrounding vicinity is limited to a few small squirrel-like species and several varieties of birds. There is no immediate threat to our security that I have perceived. It is, however, likely that the natives have detected our presence. We know they possess some technology even though they are not space-faring. I would estimate they will be able to reach us in approximately four of this planet's days."

Janeway nodded at her security chief. "When we adjourn here I want you to take a team to the top of this hill, get a look and make sure we're not missing anything. I don't want to be surprised in the middle of the night. And while you're up there scan for fresh water sources. This is fertile ground, there should be something nearby."

"Yes Captain."

She turned her attention to the EMH. "Doctor?"

"Mr. Paris, Miss Delaney and I have confirmed the original count of one-hundred and forty-five crew members. There were thirteen minor injuries including lacerations, muscle strains and mild concussions. Most of those were from before we left Voyager, but there was also one pod that had a rough landing. Two crewmen suffered broken bones. They have been treated and released. We have four engineers with non-life threatening plasma burns to their lower extremities. They are resting comfortably in a pod and I will be watching them closely for signs of infection. All in all, I'd say we were very lucky."

"I'd agree with that. Thank you doctor." She turned to the Lieutenant to her right. "Mr. Paris, since we won't be in need of a helmsman any time soon, you're permanently assigned to medical duties. Please inform Ensign Delaney of the same orders."

"Yes ma'am," Tom nodded.

Janeway addressed her engineer next. "B'Elanna?"

"We have thirty-two escape pods. Twenty-nine of them held crewmembers. The other three were medical supplies, food and water, communications equipment and the data storage pod. I was just about to begin diagnosing the data. So far, it seems intact. We should have all of our most crucial databases from Voyager, including mission and personal logs up until an hour before we abandoned ship."

"Good, that's good news. Please make securing those databases your top priority."

Neelix spoke up next. "The escape pods are of no real use to us on the surface. What should we do with them?"

Ensign Kim interjected. "They can be configured into temporary housing, but since we are expecting the colonists we probably won't need them much longer."

Neelix nodded in agreement. "Can we remove the power cells? They could be a valuable commodity for trade."

B'Elanna rubbed her forehead ridges with her thumb. "Retrieving those power cells is no walk in the park, Captain. They're crammed under the main console. I hope the here Doc here's been programmed for massage because whoever has that job is going to need one."

Seven raised an eyebrow. "I will do it," she replied almost immediately. B'Elanna cracked a sarcastic smile and was about to make a joke when Seven continued. "That is, I will supervise. I know of someone who would be well suited for the task."

"Oh?" B'Elanna asked skeptically.

"Naomi Wildman. She is of small stature. She is nimble, and possesses the necessary fine motor skills. She follows directions and has boundless energy."

Janeway smiled. "Good thinking Seven. Just ask her mother first."

"Yes Captain."

"Our next priority should be to retrieve as many supplies as we can and organize them so that they can be properly managed."

Janeway looked to Tuvok who picked up the ball. "Each pod contains tactical gear and tricorders. There are also sleeping and weather provisions, flashlights, medical kits plus food and water rations."

The captain pointed to Ensign Kim. "Harry and I will assemble the crew into teams and gather the supplies, then we'll make camp.

Tuvok nodded his agreement. "This hillside provides suitable protection from the elements, which seem to be in our favor today.

"Agreed. Thank heaven for small miracles," she said and her gaze glanced upwards to a perfectly cloudless sky. "We have about six hours until nightfall. Let's have everyone set up sleeping arrangements before dinner. Neelix, recruit a few helpers and begin to construct an area for eating together and doling out rations."

"Yes Captain," he replied.

Janeway folded her hands in her lap. "Now that the pressing issues have been settled, it's my turn to share what I know." She took a deep breath.

"My pod was the last to leave Voyager. I witnessed the end of that station while you all were beginning to descend into the upper atmosphere. I'm assuming no one else had a reasonable vantage point." She looked around and was met with shaking heads.

"Destruction was…complete. Neither we, nor the colony are in danger from it any further."

As she regarded the others she saw an uneasy mixture of relief and sadness reflected in their faces.

"You're sure that Voyager was destroyed as well?" Ensign Kim asked, clearly clinging to the last vestiges of hope.

Janeway looked to him as she would look upon an innocent child. "I'll admit, I couldn't see Voyager. I was on the other side by then. But there is no other explanation for the station's annihilation and given the timing, her condition and the course laid in before I left I'm certain Voyager is gone."

"If it's all the same to you, ma'am, I'd still like to try and establish communications," Harry requested. "Our sensors won't pick up anything in orbit but the data pod's com system should be strong enough to get through."

Janeway let out a soft sigh then nodded. "Securing the data has priority, but when B'Elanna's done you're welcome to try. Tomorrow we will attempt to establish communication with the settlement as well." She then turned to the rest of her staff.

"It's times like this that I wish we had a qualified counselor, instead that's a job that will fall to each of you. You know the members of your departments. Keep an eye on them, some will have more trouble dealing with our situation than others. This may well be the end of our quest to get home, but it's also a new chapter. We have lost Voyager, but that doesn't make us any less of a family."

There were nods all around and Janeway noticed from the corner of her eye that Tom had gently put a hand on B'Elanna's knee.

"That brings me to one last thing," her voice took a somber tone. "I'm sure it hasn't been lost on any of you that someone is missing from this meeting."

Janeway looked around the group. Only Seven and Tuvok still had their attention on her. The others were glancing sorrowfully toward the ground or to the distant horizon, kindly averting their eyes. Was it for her benefit, she wondered.

Numb, she spoke her next words as if standing somewhere far away from her own body. "Commander Chakotay gave his life so that we might all have a chance to survive. And believe me when I tell you, no one was more surprised than I when that moment came. While I don't completely agree with what he did, there's no changing it now."

She felt emotion beginning to build inside her and lifted her chin stoically.

"Chakotay was a good officer. He was an even better friend. His absence, his sacrifice. It won't go unnoticed," she vowed.

Neelix cleared his throat. "Captain, with your permission, I'd like to arrange a memorial service for tomorrow afternoon." 

"Thank you Neelix. Please use whatever resources you need."  She returned her attention back to the others.  "We have a lot of work to do before dark. We'll reconvene tomorrow morning to start some long-term planning. Dismissed."

As the senior staff dispersed to their respective duties Ensign Kim took Tom Paris by the arm. Kim led him away from the Captain who had detained B'Elanna for an unknown reason.

"I don't get it," Kim said under his breath. "What happened with Chakotay?"

Tom stopped walking and turned to his friend. "Near as I can tell, he drugged the captain with a hypospray and put her in an escape pod."

Kim's eyes grew wide. "Wow."

"I know," Paris agreed. "It's a good thing he didn't make it."

"Why's that?" Kim asked, taken aback.

"Cause she'd probably kill him."


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12**

"Naomi Wildman," Seven said, walking up behind the little girl who was stacking flat rocks into a tower.

Naomi jumped to attention. "Seven, you're back! How was the meeting?"

"Informative. I require your assistance."

"You do?" She asked incredulously. "I mean, of course! How can I help?"

"The Captain has given us a mission and I have secured approval from your mother. We are to remove the power cells from each of the escape pods. They are located in a crawlspace under the main console. Your immature physiology makes you uniquely qualified for the job."

Naomi's eyes grew wide with excitement. Seven continued. "We will have to perform this procedure no less than thirty-one times before nightfall. Are you up for the challenge?"

"Oh yes!" Naomi shouted. Seven thought that the little girl might actually leave her own skin.

"Then let's proceed."

* * *

_**5 Hours Later** _

The captain was laying out her sleeping bag at the northern edge of the encampment in the last minutes before nightfall. She had specifically chosen a spot in the field where she would have an unobstructed view of the night sky. A persistent, aching fatigue began to settle into her bones. It stood to reason that she didn't hear the patter of little feet as they ran to her from behind.

"Captain Janeway?" She heard in a hesitant, small voice.

Janeway smiled and turned around. "Naomi, how good to see you," she said genuinely, noticing that the girl's clothes were smeared in dirt and grease.

"Captain's assistant reporting for duty," she said proudly. "I would have been here sooner but I've been assisting Seven in retrieving power cells, per your orders." Janeway could see Samantha Wildman walking in long strides to join them.

She put her hands on her hips and gave her best 'Captain's nod'. "I've heard you're doing excellent work."

Even in the dusk she could see the little girl blush. Janeway's eyes went to Ensign Wildman and she noted the slightly apologetic expression on her face. "She wanted to say goodnight, Captain. I'm sorry to bother you."

She winked at Naomi. "A good captain's assistant is never a bother." Janeway sat down on the sleeping bag and motioned for the girl to join her. She looked up to the ensign. "Okay if I bring her back when we're done?"

Samantha nodded, "Thank you ma'am." And then left them alone.

"How do you like the planet?" Janeway asked.

"It's not bad. Kind of reminds me of the edge of Flotter's woods." The girl grew quiet. "I guess I won't see those again," she murmured.

Janeway sighed. She couldn't imagine how hard this would be on the little one. The only home she'd ever known was just ripped away from her. But, at least she was safe and surrounded by family that loved her. Janeway watched as the child wiggled her feet out in front, kicking her shoes together nervously.

"Is it true? What the others are saying. Is Voyager really gone?"

Janeway swallowed. This was one of those moments that she knew Naomi would remember until the end of her years. "Yes. It's true."

"But I don't understand. I thought you were supposed to go down with the ship."

Janeway sighed. Clearly the girl had put her hopes for Voyager's survival on the sole fact that she, Kathryn Janeway, was still alive. She put her hand on the little girl's knee.

"Naomi," she began. "Sometimes, if a captain is very lucky, she'll have a first officer who makes it his mission to keep her safe. And even though that captain orders him not to, he'll be the one that goes down with the ship."

"So she doesn't have to?" Naomi asked.

Janeway nodded.

"Commander Chakotay?"

"Yes."

Naomi looked up at her in wide-eyed disbelief. "He disobeyed a direct order?"

Janeway broke a smile. "Yes, I suppose he did."

"That's bad. You should put him on report," she said matter-of-factly.

Janeway couldn't help but stifle her chuckle into something more serious. "Chakotay saved all of us. Don't ever forget that."

The girl grew silent and Janeway saw her gaze extend out over the field of tents and pods. "I guess we won't get to finish my birdhouse," Naomi said sadly. "The Commander and I started it last week."

Janeway put an arm around her. "I'm sure we can find someone here to help you make a new one."

"Probably," she replied sadly. "But it won't be the same."

"No. I suppose it won't."

* * *

Kathryn Janeway had to use a flashlight to find her way back after returning Naomi to her mother. But first, she made it a point to intercept B'Elanna. The engineer had just finished up work on the data storage module.

"Captain, I was just about to come find you," B'Elanna said, poking her head out of the pod. Janeway offered her a hand and helped her out.

"Do you have it?" Janeway asked.

"Yes, I downloaded them all into this tricorder," she said handing over the grey box.

"Thank you," Janeway said gratefully. She clasped both hands around the device as if it were something precious and fragile. What secrets it held, she could only imagine.

"He would have wanted you to have them, you know that," B'Elanna confirmed.

Janeway sighed. "You think so?"

"I know so."

* * *

Talking amongst the crew had been reduced to a few whispers as the last of the lights were darkened for the night. Most of them were tucked in tents, a handful were in pods, but a few like the captain seemed to prefer the warm open air.

Janeway removed her boots, placed them next to her jacket and climbed in the non-descript grey bag. She put her arms up, hands folded under her head and considered the stars above. The first of three Ripshyn moons was ascending and cast shadows along the tree-lined foothills.

 _He would have liked it here,_ she thought and a small smile graced her lips.

She found it odd that for the first time in weeks she wasn't afraid to sleep. Nothing in her nightmares could be as bad as this day had been. Dreaming would finally be a reprieve. Dreaming. She supposed those horrible dreams were a premonition after all. But it didn't matter now.

She thought of him and decided that in the next days she would listen to the personal logs B'Elanna had provided. She would savor each one, relish in the sound of his voice. She would start with the ones from their time on New Earth for she knew the more recent ones might have malice toward her and she couldn't bear to hear it.

The stars became blurry and her eyes began to sting. His warmth, his care; his love for her was palpable even though it was no longer available to her. That she was still alive was the most damning evidence of all. Maybe there were vestiges of it yet, confirmations of some kind in the recordings. Had he the occasion to review her logs he would have found no trace of her true feelings for him. Those were bottled deep inside, and for that she was sorry. Her omissions were a mistake to be rectified.

And then another feeling overtook her. Guilt. Pressing, suffocating. From that darkness rose in her mind's voice the passage of a book she would never again see.

_There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness…._

"In times of misery," she mouthed.

First one tear, then another and a hundred more spilled silently from somewhere deep within her.


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER 13**

By 0200 hours Chakotay was finally satisfied that Voyager's orbit was stable and the ship secure enough for him to depart to the surface. He couldn't do much more alone and he was starting to feel the physical effects of such a stressful day-turned-night. He also rather regretted that he hadn't been able to make contact with the others, but that would be remedied soon enough.

After having activated the EMH's latest backup, the Commander routed a display of all relevant ships systems to sickbay. He then instructed Doctor #2 on how to contact him, should the need arise. Twenty-five minutes later Chakotay had settled the Delta Flyer down on the surface of Ripshyn, roughly two kilometers east of the crew's encampment. After a quick transport to the top of the hill, he began to carefully descend by flashlight. At the bottom, tricorder in hand, he went about quietly looking for the captain.

Kathryn Janeway was vaguely aware of a pressure on her shoulder. It threatened to wake her and pull her headlong into a day she knew she didn't want. She pinched her eyes closed tighter. A low, husky whisper invaded her peace.

"Kathryn?"

She froze, someone rocked on her shoulder gently again.

"Kathryn?" She heard again.

This time the voice hit home and she opened her eyes with a start. Surely her senses must be playing tricks, it was still very dark and her eyes refused to adjust. "Chakotay?" she asked, hesitantly, as if testing her sanity.

"Yes, shhhh. Don't wake the others."

She sat straight up in her bag. "What?" She stuttered. "How? Is it really….?"

She heard someone groan and move around in a tent nearby.

"It's me," he whispered, and surely she knew it was him as her vision came into focus. "Please, be quiet." He grabbed her boots from the foot of her bag and handed them to her. "Let's go where we can talk." Chakotay lit the flashlight and directed it away from camp.

Janeway took the boots and put them on but her eyes never left his face. Her heart threatened to beat its way out of her chest. Kathryn wanted nothing but to grab him and have him hold her close, but the Captain in her had a thousand questions. If he was here, was Voyager still intact? He wouldn't have abandoned ship with so much at stake, or would he? She willed her thoughts to be silent and wait for his explanation. Chakotay led them to a small outcropping of rocks, well out of earshot. Janeway's eyes were now well and fully adjusted to the light from three partial moons but she could hardly stand to believe them. He motioned for her to sit next to him.

"You. You're alive," she managed.

Chakotay smiled. "You noticed."

"Voyager?" She asked, for she knew her duty.

"In orbit," Chakotay confirmed.

"But, I saw the station explode. And you. Voyager was right there."

He nodded.

"You must have…. Wait, if Voyager's still intact, and the station isn't." He could see that her brain was over firing with solutions.

"You can guess if you like, or we can save time and I can tell you what happened," he chided.

"By all means," she waved him on. Her eyes still would not leave him, she was vaguely afraid if they did that he may simply evaporate into the night.

"About two minutes before I was about to impact the station, sensors alerted me to another vessel that had come into the system at high warp. It was small, about Defiant-class sized. They hailed and told me that the station was malfunctioning."

Janeway let out a short guffaw. "That's an understatement."

"That's what I said. They implored me to save Voyager. They knew what I was going to do and they said they had another way to destroy it."

"You believed them?" She asked incredulously.

"I wanted to, but I couldn't risk it. There wasn't enough time."

"Good," she said, crossing her arms.

"Can I finish now?" He asked, slightly amused.

"Yes, sorry," she demurred.

"I told them that while I appreciated the option I needed to make sure that the station was going to be disabled and I couldn't risk losing my only opportunity. That's when they moved in close and extended some kind of high-powered shielding around Voyager. It was a similar configuration as what the station had. They stopped me from moving any further."

"I guess I wasn't the only one kidnapped today," she mused under her breath.

Chakotay chose to ignore her remark. "The shielding acted as a kind of tractor beam and combined with the thrusters we moved away. Then I heard one of them give an order. I think they input a self-destruct sequence into the station's controls. That was the explosion you saw."

"Did you find out who they were?"

"Not exactly, but if I had to guess I'd say they were from the homeworld that the Ministress mentioned," he hypothesized. "They called the station the "Protector of Purity." They thanked me profusely for saving the colony. The only thing they asked was that we didn't leave any trace of our presence on the planet and that we bar further contact with the people here. This is apparently holy ground to them and the worshipers must exist in isolation."

"We were going to contact them tomorrow," Janeway affirmed. "Which is now today," she realized and rubbed her forehead. "What happened next?"

"That was it. They left. I got the feeling they weren't supposed to linger, and we shouldn't either."

"Incredible," she sighed. "Would have been nice if they offered to help with repairs."

Chakotay shrugged. "I was happy with what we got. And Voyager may now have the nickname of "Savior" among their culture, just so you know."

Janeway shook her head lightly. "So we managed to make another friend in the Delta quadrant and it almost cost us everything. Again."

"Almost," he conceded. "But not quite."

"When am I going to learn, Chakotay. When will enough finally be enough?"

"You made the right call," he assured, conviction laced in his voice. "Ten-thousand people, Kathryn."

Janeway grew silent for an extended moment. "Someday my 'right call' is going to get us all killed."

"Maybe, but our track record so far is pretty good," he reminded. "Is that what you're really afraid of?"

She looked up at him. "I don't know what I'm afraid of anymore. No decision I make seems to be the right one. Why does it always have to be 'us or them?'"

"You can't take both roads."

"Quoting Frost now, are we?"

"You have to take the road meant for you. If you feel it's right, then it's right for all of us. Don't ever stop believing that."

She allowed his words to strengthen her as they sat in the silent night. After a time, she was ready to move on.

"What is the status of Voyager now?" she asked

"Not great," he admitted. "I worked all day to get her in a stable orbit and secured. I just brought communications back online an hour ago. Transporters are still down. We have multiple hull breaches. I have a backup of the Doc's program running to keep an eye on things, but this planet seems to be 'off-limits' so we'll probably be left alone."

"Where are you parked?" she asked, assuming he must have taken a shuttle to the surface.

"Just over that ridge," he motioned to the hill behind them. "I didn't want to alarm anyone. I know you weren't expecting me."

Janeway breathed a sigh of relief she didn't realize she had been holding. Of all the possible scenarios, this was unmistakably the best she could have ever hoped for. Finally tearing her eyes away from his face, she looked out over the field.

"There's a little girl sleeping out there who is going to be very happy to see you," Janeway said finally. "And then she's going to take you to task for disobeying an order."

"Oh?" Chakotay asked with a wry smile.

"She may not be the only one."

The commander looked to her. "The only one happy to see me, or to reprimand me?"

Janeway's demeanor grew serious. "Chakotay. I don't assume to comprehend the line of thinking that lead you to do what you did. And it's not that I don't appreciate you looking out for me..." She straightened herself a bit. "But you have to understand, I can't make decisions while being worried that if you don't like them you're going to sneak up and sedate me. It's distracting and counterproductive. First it was the mutiny, and now this. I can't work well in fear of a hypospray or a revolt or whatever else you might come up with to undermine me."

"Even to save your life?"

"To keep me from doing my duty." She took her hand in his. "You know I value and respect your opinion. But the final decisions on Voyager, they're mine to make. These pips," she motioned to her collar, "they give _me_ the authority to make them. And they give _you_ the responsibility to obey them."

Chakotay looked to the sky. A pale corona of light had begun to emerge on the horizon. "I can't promise I'll stand by and watch you destroy yourself."

"Then we have a problem," Janeway replied.

"We may have more than one." Chakotay brought his eyes back down to meet hers. "I didn't drug you and drag you to an escape pod because I thought the crew needed a captain more than they needed a first officer. Or even because I thought you were making the wrong decision. I did it because I would rather die than live knowing that I could have prevented your death and did nothing."

Janeway released the breath she had been holding. "It wasn't your choice to make," she said with forced calm.

"Maybe not. But if the situation presents itself, I'm probably going to make it again."

Janeway shook her head in disapproval. "You told me once, that you were here to support me. To help me in whatever way you could," she reminded. "I need your support of my decisions more than I need your protection."

Chakotay was about to counter her again when she held up a hand. "We could argue around in circles all night and not get anywhere. And, despite my previous threat, I'm not prepared to throw you in the brig. So let me just say this. I'm grateful that you have my back. Just promise me that you won't put anyone, other than yourself, in jeopardy. If you have a death wish to fulfill on my behalf so be it. You've proven that I can't stop you. But I won't accept that you take unnecessary risks for those we command."

Chakotay thought for a moment, then he nodded. "I promise."

Janeway sighed, satisfied for now. She knew this was a conversation they would need to revisit in the future. That he saw her as a kind of damsel-in-distress still bothered her and she would need to confront him about it, but now was not the time.

"There's something else," Chakotay said interrupting her musings. "I get the responsibility you carry. The guilt you feel and your all-consuming devotion to getting us home. I don't agree with it completely, but I do respect that you can't be distracted from our mission in any way."

"Why do I hear a 'but' coming?"

"Because that's where I'm heading," he confirmed. He looked in her soft blue eyes and somehow knew that every moment of the last few weeks had led to this one; he felt oddly calm. "When we're home. When we make it. I want a chance."

"A chance for what?" Janeway looked at him puzzled. In the back of her mind, she filed away the ferocity, the certainty of how he had said ' _When we make it.' Not if. 'When.'_ He believed in her, she realized, possibly more than she believed in herself.

He steeled himself in her eyes. "I'm going to say something now. Something that I intend to say many, many more times. But I promise that you won't hear it again until our feet are on Earth."

 _There it is again,_ she thought. _That certainty._

Kathryn felt his warm hands as they surrounded hers and she watched him pull them gently into his lap. Her breath caught in her throat as she felt his eyes on her in a way she never had before, at least not that she would have admitted to. He took in the shape of her face, her pale skin; her auburn hair unencumbered in the warm breeze. His next words were about to fall effortlessly when she silenced them with a finger to his lips.

"I love you too," she said plainly.

He smiled and his dimples peeked thru by dawn's soft light. Then he took her wrist, turned it and with eyes closed he placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand. She felt his breath on her delicate skin.

"Apparently I'm not the only one who can hijack a plan," he whispered.

"No sir."

Chakotay sighed contentedly and brought her hand down again to rest on his leg. He stretched a strong arm around her and she leaned into him. The sun was peaking up more now, casting beautiful pink and orange streaks across the bottom of the sky.

"We should probably get back to our ship," he heard her say.

"Let them sleep a little longer," he replied. "I want to enjoy the sunrise."

She nodded with a smile and relaxed further into his warm embrace. Then, somewhere deep inside, she turned over just a little bit of control that she never really ever had.

"I knew you'd like it here."


	14. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Naomi Wildman left the bridge with a smile so bright she could have powered an entire city. She also had a tricorder.

The Captain's Assistant was on an official mission. Deliver a top-secret data storage device to Commander Chakotay. Granted it wasn't a particularly difficult mission - he was only two decks away - not shoved under a console like all of those power modules she retrieved two days ago. But that she was entrusted to such an important task made her feel on top of the world.

She reached her destination, double-checked the nameplate just to be sure, and rang the chime.

"Come in," she heard. The door slid open.

The commander was in a pair of what Naomi would call "sleepy pants" and a grey tee-shirt. He was toweling his hair dry and she giggled a little at the sight of his toes. He smiled broadly when he saw the pint-sized visitor.

"Sorry to interrupt you sir," she said. "I have an important delivery from the Captain." She held the tricorder out to him.

"Thank you Naomi," he said, taking the instrument. He threw the towel loosely over his shoulder.

"It's Alpha-shift. Shouldn't you be on the bridge?" She asked inquisitively. "Or did she relieve you of duty?"

"I've been working all night to repair the ship," he explained. "I'm just about to go to bed." Then he raised an eyebrow. "Why would you think I've been relieved of duty?"

"Oh, no reason," Naomi said, blushing slightly.

Chakotay let it drop. "We'll finish our birdhouse this week, okay?"

Naomi nodded enthusiastically. "May I be dismissed now sir? I have to get back to Neelix, he's teaching me how to trade power cells for chocolate bars."

"Of course," he said and made himself serious. "Dismissed."

Chakotay shook his head lightly in amusement as the little girl bounced out of his quarters. He put his towel on a chair, sat on the couch and considered the object in his hand. It was an odd thing to have been given.

When the commander opened the tricorder he felt his face flush. Personal logs. His personal logs were on this device. And she had had them. The realization made his stomach unsteady.

Upon further inspection he noted that the logs had been downloaded just hours after the crew had landed on Ripshyn. When he saw that not a single one of the files had been accessed, Chakotay let out a deep breath.

He was trying to make sense of why she would feel the need to return this to him. Clearly he would have never known that the copies existed. That's when he saw it. A final entry made on stardate 52098.3, at 2123 hours. The night she spent on the planet. The night she thought he was gone.

Chakotay swallowed around the lump in his throat then activated playback. Her unmistakable voice came through the recording. But it wasn't the voice he was used to hearing. It wasn't cheerful. It wasn't commanding. This voice was laced with irrefutable grief.

_'Personal Log, Kathryn Janeway. Stardate 52098.3_

_I lost more than just a friend today. I lost a chance at something I never thought I wanted; someone I never really deserved….'_

_A chance_ , he thought. _The same words._

Having heard enough, Chakotay folded the tricorder closed. He set it gingerly on the table. Then he padded into the next room and laid down a weary body into his bed.

And he dreamed of her.

* * *

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